THE POWER OF A CONVERSATION

The photo is from Unsplash

The Merriam- Webster dictionary defines a conversation as an oral exchange of sentiments, observations, opinions and ideas between two or more people. When nothing is discussed, it is simple talk.

When you hold a conversation with someone, you express your thoughts, ideas and beliefs about the matter at hand. This demonstrates the power of the mind over us. This is why we are most times warned  about being  careful   of what we think. What we think determines our actions and shapes our lives.

Mahatma Gandhi ( 1869-1948),  an Indian activist, lawyer ,and politician expressed it eloquently in this quote;

“Your beliefs become your words,

Your words become your actions,

Your actions become your habits,

Your habits become your values,

Your values become your destiny.

Man is a social animal that craves for acceptance, affirmation, and approval to thrive. If he has to be accepted or approved , he has to communicate with other human beings and form relationships. Life is essentially  about relationships, a relationship with your God, with yourself,  with your family and friends and other people.

Communication by the spoken words, conversation or discussion is the bedrock of all our relationships. A simple conversation requires two people who talk and listen to one another. As each one communicates, he/she puts her/his needs, wants and desires across. Each one has different communication needs and style but how the two communicate to each other determines whether the relationship lives or dies. The communication has to be open and honest to benefit the two people concerned.

Without effective communication, unwanted problems arise and small ones grow bigger. When you talk about something honestly and effectively, most times you find a solution to the problem. Open and honest communication builds trust and respect.

My grandmother used to warn me during my teenage years that what I did not talk about had the power to  enslaves me. Not talking about a problem hurts me and will also hurt the relationship. It takes two to tango so the two people in the relationship contribute to its health or misery.

 You talk about the good, the bad and the weaknesses with the aim of making the relationship better for the two of you.

The other most important element of a good conversation is listening to one another. Talking and listening are two sides of the same coin. It is essential if the two people or more are to communicate effectively and understand one another. Everyone wants to be listened to, to hear her side of story.

One local proverb loosely translated says: You cannot pass judgment in an argument involving your son and daughter-in-law until you have listened to the daughter-in-law’s story.

  For doctors, psychotherapists, teachers, lawyers, journalists, listening is considered as a professional discipline. Not only do you listen to understand but you also listen to figure out what important narrative elements are being left out.

The psychologist Theodor Reik ( 1888- 1965) one of Freud’s first student in Vienna, Austria,  coined the phrase: Listening with a third ear. What he meant was that in a conversation you listen to hear and understand and then go beyond this to decipher the deeper emotional meaning being conveyed by the speaker. Listening by the third ear helps to detect unstated needs in a relationship that may have to be addressed. It helps the listener to think deeper and then give a useful response. It also teaches the listener to listen to her/his inner feelings thus awakening a deep understanding of things. Doing this consistently, makes you a better listener.I for one sometimes find myself closing  off in a conversation and then I remember  the first two lines

 of Max Ehrmann ‘s prose poem of the early 1920s entitled,  “Desiderata”- Things desired.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible , without surrender, be on

on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others,

even to the dull and ignorant, they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,  they…………………………………………………….

These lines help me to collect my thoughts, refocus on what is being said and be considerate.

I have trained myself to listen to others as we talk and many times it has helped me understand clearly the issues at hand and the speaker. Understanding one another helps to change our attitude, to forgive one another and to love and trust one another better. Being considerate to one another and loving and trusting one another never allows us to hurt each other but instead we protect one another. Nobody wants problems.

We are all human therefore not perfect. Perfection is for God only. Effective communication has saved marriages, stopped unnecessary wars, brought factions back to the centre, and tamed difficult situations.

This is the power of a conversation.

Clay Shirky said, “When we change the way we communicate, we change society.”

QUESTION:

How easy is it for you to talk and listen to others?